Day 335…
There are some days when I feel like it is all that I can do to keep myself from crawling out of my own skin.
The monotonous repetition of this seemingly endless stream of cold and wintry days is digging a deeper and deeper rut into the path of my days.
Zoochosis is the word that is used to explain the repetitive pacing that large animals do in captivity. It is a repetitive behavior pattern without a goal. In zoo animals, it can be a sign of stress or depression.
Back and forth, back and forth, a caged tiger will walk in a never-ending circle around its enclosure - up on a rock, off the other side, around the corner, along the glass, across the back, up on the rock, off the other side, around the corner, along the glass, across the back, up on the rock, off the other side, around the corner, along the glass, across the back, up on the rock… endlessly.
In the wild, these large animals can range over hundreds of miles. In their tiny enclosures, there are only so many places that they can go.
New York City is starting to feel like a cage. It is becoming harder and harder to see it because it feels like on some days, I am just pacing through it.
When the museums reopened, there was finally a destination that wasn’t a physical one. Sure, I had to get to the museum, but once there, I could be inspired by what was within and take a journey beyond myself. Unfortunately, museums don’t turn over their exhibitions all that often. Once they have been curated and installed, the same paintings and sculptures remain in place for many months. Walking through familiar galleries starts to feel like its own kind of pacing.
Even as I write this, I am telling myself to just wander further afield. Why follow familiar paths when there are still many parts of Manhattan that I have never visited before?
The physical exploration of a place is just half of the reward of a journey. It’s what you find once you get there that makes the journey complete. For nearly a year now, at the end of most every physical journey in New York, what I have found is closed doors and vacant arenas. Yes, there is plenty to see, but these days, there is very little to do.
So, I walk and make my way downtown, taking several different routes, reach some sort of goal then turn around and head home.
Every day.
Without fail.
In the rain, in the snow, or in the bright crystal-clear winter sun, I walk.
Michael can go days on end without ever leaving the apartment. That, I fear, would send me completely over the edge. I’m never sure what he is actually doing, but his days are full. He is far more social than I am and has a far greater tolerance for virtual communication than I do. I am physically incapable of sitting still for that long. After a few hours every morning spent sitting on the couch writing, I have to get up and go somewhere.
I will say that the few hours that I spend writing every morning are effortless in that regard. Hours can go by without my noticing at all. Even on the days where I sit down and don’t have the slightest idea where it’s going to go, once I start, I just get taken there.
When I’m done, though, I’m done. As wonderful as it is to escape into the writing, I can’t stay in it all day. It’s a bit like being in the silent bliss of swimming underwater. Eventually I have to come up for air. And then I have to figure out what to do with the rest of the day.
The Senate impeachment trial starts today, although, not for an hour or two.
Throughout all of this time this past year, we have been confronted with the most remarkable series of unfolding historical events. As much as none of us really wants to delve into anything and relive the events surrounding this trial, this may be the most important moment that we will face as a country during this entire year.
This is the moment that has the potential to affect the entire future of our nation. This is what historians will look back on when they look back at this truly life-changing year.
With each showing of the footage from the January 6th insurrection attempt at the Capitol, the enormity of what happened that day sinks in a bit further.
That serious harm did not befall any elected officials seems incredible. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez released a video in which she described being right behind a door that one of the insurgents had opened while looking for her.
What would have happened had these people found her? What would have happened had these people actually discovered the Vice-President?
So much of this year has been about waiting.
Waiting for case numbers to rise or fall. Waiting for the demonstrations. Waiting for the election. Waiting for the confirmation. Waiting for our jobs to come back. Waiting for the inauguration. Waiting for the snow. Waiting for the trial.
It’s one thing to look back at remarkable events and quite another to live through them. For every monumental occurrence, there is an endless amount of waiting that the historians gloss over when they look back upon them and tell the story.
While we wait for these events to unfold today, I will pace the city. Relentlessly.
Almost more than anything else that has happened so far, this trial may be the thing that I worry about the most.
If he is acquitted, and nothing comes of this, we may move on in the short term and forget all about it. And him.
If that happens, however, then we will have provided a well fertilized and protected bed for the seeds of future sedition to grow. We will have undermined the security of this country. Maybe not right away, but we will have compromised our strength possibly to the point that it will lead to our eventual collapse.
Historians won’t look back on the endless days where we paced back and forth and waited. They’ll only look back on the result. They will sum it up in one sentence - they voted to convict, or they voted to acquit. What follows will be where the story lies.
Do we continue forward as a democracy or do we take another step towards a Republican-led dystopian future where populists and extremists rule outside of the confines of the Constitution? That’s all that’s at stake.
Life during this pandemic gets more like a television series with each passing day. Just when there seems to be a pathway forward, the writers come up with a new obstacle. Each of those obstacles gets more and more farfetched as the series continues. Look at where we were a year ago. Look at where we are now.
So, until then, I will continue to pace. Downtown, uptown, downtown, uptown, downtown, uptown…
Fittingly for today’s events, today is a cloudy day. Despite what’s about to unfold, the sky is grey and uninspiring.
I will try to get over myself and find somewhere new to go. Because, really, what else can we do? I don’t want to resort to eating or drinking so, instead, I’ll walk.
And wait.
C’mon Washington - surprise me.
Happy Birthday dear Richard! I hope there is good news coming re the impeachment trial. I also hope your walk whether it was uptown or downtown had some beauty or surprise. And I’m sure Michael has worked some magic in the kitchen
Jx
❤️you are always welcome to cross over the Brooklyn Bridge to my apartment...COVID style visit ...
🌞💫